A lot of things piss me off. Hopefully they piss you off as well. Here is a run down of the top 5 things that have pissed me off in August (in no particular order).
1. Fleas
These little fucks infested my girlfriend’s father’s vacation house in Vermont and nearly ruined a trip we had been planning for a month. The trip was still a relative success, but the effects of this fucking curveball have remained with me during the days after my return to civilization. This is most notable when looking at the 20+ bites on my foot and lower shin area. I’ve also become paralyzed with fear that we somehow transported them from the infected nest in Vermont to my fucking bedroom. I’ve spent the last 48 hours living like Howard Hughes and rubbing alcohol on my welts and vacuuming my fucking bed. Awesome.
(This is just edged out “Vermont” on the list)
2. Drivers other than myself
Why is it that I’m the only fucking person who stops at Stop signs? I want to know why every fucking person on the road is in such a big hurry to get somewhere and believes they’re the most important person on said road. I admit that I drive fast, but I also drive well. I anticipate things, I recognize situations, I understand traffic patterns and understand my place in the flow of traffic. These bad drivers have several different categories (which may be a future post). I am just looking for an excuse to stop my vehicle one day and beat the ever loving shit out of some douche in BMW or some oblivious lane changing Puerto-Rican in an old Acura (or Honda Civic). Every time some trashy black woman zips past me doing about 95mph in a mid-90′s Maxima with tinted windows I shudder with rage. The problem with shitty drivers is simply an extension of the problem with society in general, but it still pumps pure, unadulterated hatred through my veins.
(see also: fuck Vermont/fuck Massachusetts)
3. Gross Work hook-ups
Nothing is quite as disgusting as two unattractive/trashy people uniting in to one unattractive/trashy couple. This unholy union can only transcend normal offensiveness if it is a couple you have to see on a daily basis at work. Hearing intimate details of their relationship day in and day out leave you wretching in your cube. I have no particular problem with inter-office romances, as I have dabbled in office tang myself, but when the people hooking up are of questionable character and regrettable stock the result is always gross. I loathe hearing both parties independently talk of their love for the other to anyone who dares stop and talk to them for a moment. These types of people are also the kind of people who fall in love after a couple weeks of dating (no doubt fueled by well-gin, buffalo wings, and “Fast and Furious” movie nights). A close relative of this category is the “gross people cheating with each other with other gross work people” category. That being just as gross, but somewhat entertaining in trainwreck kind of of way.
4. Lack of cell phone service or internet
This is 2009, right? Why is it that I have the sum of all human knowledge at the tip of my fingertips available to me at any time…except when I’m among people who could truly benefit from this technological advancement (I’m looking at you, Vermont)? If I get in trouble or need to figure out directions outside of portions of the country laid out grid-style, I realize that I am fucked. This was evident when flea bombing a house in Vermont and realizing that if I choked on toxic fumes I would probably die because there is NO FUCKING SERVICE. I don’t understand how we can create a phone with the fucking internet, but we can’t solve the problem of dead zones and dropped calls. We can fit literally 400million transistors on to a computer chip the size of a fucking Cheeze-It, but we can’t get internet in Vermont (or on one end of my street). Someone needs to step the fuck up and fix this problem, and do it soon.
5. Mac incompatibility with PC’s
This is mostly because my girlfriend can’t figure out how to import pictures from iPhoto in to Facebook. I feel like I should be able to solve this problem very quickly if i try, but I also feel like she should learn how to navigate her computer w/out any assistance. This makes it to the list because I have to hear about how it is “impossible” to accomplish this task, which is likely very simple if not blinded by the kind of rage that begets a girl being thwarted of uploading pictures to a new Facebook album. I must add that a second mouse button would be nice, I don’t really care for holding down Control or that silly swirly Mac button when trying to do mundane tasks like Copy and Paste. Whatever though.
until next month…
